Satireday: Town of Chevy Chase Buys Moco Council to Block Purple Line, Save Shrimp

In a landmark decision today, the town of Chevy Chase has voted to purchase the Montgomery County Council for $250 Million from the State of Maryland in order to block the construction of the Purple Line and save a crustacean found in Rock Creek.

“We are going to extreme measures to save this shrimp thing or whatever because no one else will,” said town mayor, Pat Burda, speaking on behalf of the Chevy Chase Town Council. “$250 Million is a lot of money, but those are the lengths that we’re willing to go. Some of us have third mortgages in remote Caribbean Islands. This will probably mean we can’t afford a fourth, but that’s the definition of ‘sacrifice’.”

The Montgomery County Council is the legislative branch of the county, comprised of nine members, each serving 4 year terms. Members receive an annual salary of just over $100,000. Once purchased, the County will be administered by the Town of Chevy Chase, with each resident having an equal vote in how Montgomery County will be run. The State of Maryland agreed to throw in County Executive Ike Leggett to sweeten the deal.

The crustacean of topic is the Hay’s Spring Amphipod, an eyeless, colorless crustacean similar to a shrimp, whose presence is an indicator of good quality water. It has been found in sections of Rock Creek park in Northwest Washington, DC, and could potentially have a home in sections that the proposed Purple Line would cross in Chevy Chase. Advocates of the Purple Line, including ACT and Purple Line Now claim that this is simply another attempt by so-called “NIMBYs” — activists rallying around a “not in my backyard” sentiment — of Chevy Chase to prevent development in their neighborhood.

“This is a joke,” said one proponent of the purple line, who requested anonymity because they fear reprisals. “Opponents of the Purple Line posing as defenders of the Hay’s Spring Amphipod is a farce.”

“We care about this crab,” another member of the town council rebutted. “We are environmentalists at heart. I own two Teslas. My husband doesn’t even drive a car. He has a driver.”

The Montgomery County Council Members, in turn, will have new career paths. When asked what he do would as he leaves office, council member Hans Reimer said, “I’m getting the band back together.”

County Executive Ike Leggett’s ideas were not much different. “I think we’re going to rework that whole ‘Harlem Shake’ video. I think we can do much better the second time around.”

Newly appointed council member Cherri Branson could not be reached for comment and was seen sobbing in a corner.

Banner image courtesy of Dan Reed, www.justupthepike.com

Pete Tan
A DC Native, people say I'm rude and abrasive; I say I'm passionate. I've been working in marketing since 2005. My brothers and I paid Geppi's rent through the 80s and 90s. My relief at an indoor wavepool never materializing in Silver Spring is balanced by my disappointment that City Place has dozens of shuttered storefronts. I love what you've done with your hair.

3 COMMENTS
  • Patrickj
    Reply

    This is Chevy Chase we’re talking about, $250 million is mere pocket lint! 😉

  • Jean Paul Satrie
    Reply

    Satirical Truth is still truth.
    Time for Governor Hogan to step up and be a Hero for Maryland.

    1. Pete Tan
      Reply

      Great point. We would love to see Governor Hogan ensure that residents and businesses are respected by building the purple line. That would go a long way to defy his detractors and demonstrate that he has the entire state’s best interest in mind. Thanks for the comment!

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