Satireday: City Place Mall Officially Rebranded as Sh**ty Place Mall

In a surprise announcement today, Petrie Ross Ventures released their plan for re-branding the City Place Mall in downtown Silver Spring. The new name will be “Sh**ty Place Mall” and will pivot the anchor stores toward lower end, less proven chains.

“Re-branding as ‘Sh**ty Place’ just made sense”, said Petrie Ross Vice-Chair, Phillip Ross. “The name came directly out of the community, so we’re just making lemonade.”

City Place Mall was first opened in 1992 as an attempt to revitalize Silver Spring. It took place of The Hecht Company building that had relocated to Wheaton Plaza. It found some cultural significance when Rihanna performed there in 1995. Anchor tenants at the time included Nordstrom Rack, Ross Dress for Less, and an AMC movie theater on the top floor which closed shortly after the Regal Theaters opened across Ellsworth Drive. While the rest of downtown Silver Spring has seen significant growth, City Place Mall still has close to 70% vacancy.

“We’ve got a large line up of decent to sub-average stores planned to keep consistent with our new branding. Consumers are really going to feel ambivalent about it.” Ross went on.

A partial list of new tenants was provided:

Crappy Burger – Moderately priced hamburger chain from Dewey Beach, MD. They have had some legal issues lately due to the lead-laden import toys found in their Crappy Meals.

DownerPlex Movie Theaters – A two screen movie theater that shows only full screen versions of Tim Allen movies.

$37 Dollars Store – A regional store where everything costs $37 dollars before tax.

The mall will also house four new Starbucks.

“We’re really excited about this new phase for City Place Mall,” said Ross. “We’re updating the facade to include thousands of light bulbs from the 1950s that are going to be overwhelming to maintain, ensuring they’re only partially lit beyond opening night. We’re overhauling the escalators so that only one will work throughout the entire mall at any given time. The rest will have foreboding looking caution tape and some trash strewn about. We’ll cater to families with a ball pit on the bottom floor that’s only 6” deep, for safety. We’ve got a really comprehensive strategy behind the new brand.”

Finding success with Rihanna’s performance, Sh**ty Place Mall will feature some musical acts throughout the year. Already booked are Trevor Penick of O-Town, Keanu Reeve’s band Dogstar and Creed.

Before leaving the press conference, Ross unveiled their new logo including the Mall’s new slogan:

“Please Shop Here. Please.”

Pete Tan
A DC Native, people say I'm rude and abrasive; I say I'm passionate. I've been working in marketing since 2005. My brothers and I paid Geppi's rent through the 80s and 90s. My relief at an indoor wavepool never materializing in Silver Spring is balanced by my disappointment that City Place has dozens of shuttered storefronts. I love what you've done with your hair.

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