Satireday: Silver Spring Transit Center Gains Sentience, Self Awareness

The latest development in the Silver Spring Transit Center saga is something that no one expected: the center can now think and act on its own. On Friday, during a scheduled inspection, the concrete behemoth introduced its new found sentience to the world when it uttered a single question, “What… is… love?”

The highly controversial public works project has been the cause of finger pointing and argument between the Montgomery County government and the contracting firm, Foulger-Pratt. Both have received criticism from Montgomery County residents as the project budget ballooned to over $120 Million and is several years past the original completion date.

“This is amazing,” said Bryant Foulger, Managing Principal at the construction company. “We knew we were doing good work, but our hopes were never this high. Not only have we built a safe and structurally sound transportation hub, we’ve created life.”

Not everyone is excited about the news, however, as County Executive, Ike Leggett, had choice words of his own about the latest news. “This… thing… is a monstrosity and a trespass against God’s will. It must be destroyed.”

No one yet knows the intentions of the transit center. Besides its initial question, it has had little to say except for complaining about Red Line delays. Hoping to soothe worries about the transit center potentially threatening mankind, David Dise offered his own opinion, saying, “We can’t jump to conclusions about the transit center; he seems confused. He’s just a boy, a beautiful, beautiful boy.”

At the time of printing, Leggett had assembled a mob of Silver Spring residents to head over to the transit center with torches and pitchforks.

Pete Tan
A DC Native, people say I'm rude and abrasive; I say I'm passionate. I've been working in marketing since 2005. My brothers and I paid Geppi's rent through the 80s and 90s. My relief at an indoor wavepool never materializing in Silver Spring is balanced by my disappointment that City Place has dozens of shuttered storefronts. I love what you've done with your hair.

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